Obama Claims He Will Relieve Nation’s Debt Crisis If Everyone Just Listens To His Favorite Album First
BOCA RATON, FL - In the tough race between Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney and incumbent Democratic president Barack Obama, many voters in America’s long-suffering middle class are getting lost in the shuffle. To counteract their confused apathy for the accomplishments of Obama’s recovery policies and cynical belief that any meaningful difference from Romney is nonexistent, president Obama has recommended that everyone “check out” his favorite album “ever” before they make a decision on who to support.
"Trout Mask Replica changed my life," Obama announced at a pre-debate rally in Boca Raton. "The first time I heard it was in college: my friend Willy from Michigan got me drunk and started blasting it after a huge party when everyone else was gone or asleep. A few seconds into "Frownland," I thought it was terrible: noisy, absurd, and filled with crazy ranting, like most of the politics run by white Christians I had to deal with every day.
"After I met Michelle, we went to a record store one winter during a date, and somehow the magenta cover caught my eye and I bought it as a joke. When we got home, I rolled a joint for the two of us and I told Michelle, "You won’t believe how awful this demented music is." But when I started playing it for her, I stopped laughing and thought I heard something deeper in the chaos. By the time we’d reached "Veteran’s Day Poppy" Michelle had long since left the room, but I realized that I’d just listened to the soul of America. And from that day forward, I was determined to share that vision with the rest of the country. Trout Mask Replica is the basis of my political views to this day." First lady Michelle Obama confirmed that her husband "plays that thing every night before bed," and had to have every room in the White House prepared during his first hundred days in office by playing the album once in every room from beginning to end.
According to president Obama, Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band encompassed everything that he believes is great about this country: resolution to express the truth through illogical imagery, creativity in the face of all prescriptions to be practical, and “the craziest fucking time-signature changes” ever heard in rock. He cited John “Drumbo” French in particular, whose breakneck drumming and arranging of Beefheart’s music “perfectly encapsulates the potential for exploration and job growth that I see in every young person in America every day.”
President Obama emphasized that, like his economic policies, Trout Mask Replica makes perfect sense after multiple exposures, preferably with curious friends, and possibly while intoxicated. Obama cites Jon Huntsman, former Republican presidential candidate and ostensibly a fellow Beef-head, as someone who “would get what I’m talking about,” implying that his victorious rival Mitt Romney was not one of those capable of “hearing anything beyond their own close-minded tastes.” When asked for a response, Romney’s team quoted Romney as saying “Captain Video and His Video Rangers was the first thing I ever remember watching as a kid, and I was just as influenced by it as any other male white child who owned multiple television sets.” President Obama brought his OOP American pressing of Trout Mask Replica to every rally stop this past month, and claims it will be in his podium during the debate.